Super-Secret Cyber Organizations - Rock On!

Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Fellow UCFers, it appears we've been found out.

That's right - our secret is out. Rather than being an on-line blogging community that met through our love of science fiction and our time-wasting activities over at the Whateveresque forum, it appears that our status as clandestine members of a super-secret Cyber organization is now public.

That's right - no longer are we a harmless, opinionated, diverse group of friends who snark about what annoys or amuses us - we're now a conspiracy receiving funding from the government. The mission of our conspiracy is to apparently "debunk" anyone who questions the administration, safety or operation of the CERN Large Hadron Collider. The fact that our activities in this area have been limited solely to the debunking of the credentials of one Walter Wagner is not pertinent. Not pertinent, do you hear? We're not the droids you're looking for.

We're apparently primarily Navy veterans, with a "well defined command structure." Hey, Nathan, how does it feel to be our fearless leader? And a Navy vet? You earned the job with your coordination of the "counter-intelligence exercise" known as International Hijack Day. I've been relegated to second in command, damn the luck. I guess my dream of leading a conspiratorial group of cyber-spies will have to be deferred until I learn how to derail discussions in a more formal and organized manner.

As a bonus, we've evidently all been "trained" in the same "aggressive and vulgar" style. Let's call it the "UCF School of Poo-Flinging." Woo Hoo! I'm aggressive and vulgar! Shocking, I know - a former senior NCO in the Navy being vulgar. Who could of imagined that a sailor would, you know, curse like a sailor.

Our secrecy has thus far been protected by the fact that we all have the logo on our blogs, wear the T-shirt, and discuss it openly. That, my clandestine friends, was a ploy to keep our nefarious activities from the public eye. A ploy, I say! Alas, it is now Over. We have been Found Out by our Arch-Nemesis!

::snort::

This fantasy,* by the way, is brought to you courtesy of James Tankersley, "Administrator of LHC facts, and Assistant Coordinator for Global Risk Reduction (A Special Interest Group of American Mensa). He published it in response to my little piece about Walter Wagner suing the Scientific Method. Mr. Tankersley took exception to my describing him as Wagner's Butt-Monkey, assuming I was impugning his manhood or some such with the term.

Hehe.

I have to say that I laughed out loud when I read this little piece. It stands as proof positive that Mr. Tankersley's critical thinking skills (as well as his ability to parse information from available public sources) remains suspect. It also makes me wonder about Mensa's standards. Do they also have a Special Interest Group for the Tin-Foil Hat crowd?

However, in order to ensure that my aggression and vulgarity is expressed in the clearest way possible, I present the definition of "Butt-Monkey" from the Urban Dictionary:
1. One who clings to the butt of another as a monkey clings to a tree, a butt-kisser.
I can't believe you bought a birthday present for your boss, you are such a
butt-monkey.

2. A monkey that lives in somebody's butt, or a very pesky person who you want to feed to a rabid Mako shark.
Stop being a butt-monkey and help me clean this garage!
3. A monkey of or pertaining to the butt.
Dude check it out! A butt-monkey!
Please note the lack of commentary about sexual orientation. Since I have, you know, zero interest in that topic, and I'm fundamentally opposed to epithets based on sexual orientation.

I think we should rename our little group to more accurately describe our new status. How about The Super-Secret Government Counter-Intelligence Group Dedicated to Persecuting the Selfless Scientists Who Impede the Progress of World Domination Through Particle Collisions.

That might be a bit wordy...

*This entry has since been modified to appear a bit less paranoid. The
original version may be found here.

50 comments:

The Mechanicky Gal said...

Proud to be a worker bee in the New Army! or maybe that would be New Navy! Please note capitalizations and exclamation points.
Do we get decoder rings? You know, for when the stupid shit just isn't so fucking obvious?????

Janiece Murphy said...

Michelle, get on the Decoder Ring design would you?

We so need decoder rings...

The Mechanicky Gal said...

And also, does the Super Secret UCF design come on a tote bag? I need another tote bag....

Eric said...

HA!

Oh wow. This is hysterical.

::runs off to do his own entry::

Eric said...

(Oh, and congratulations, Nathan!)

vince said...

So we're out of the closet. Or in from the cold.

And hey, I'm an Air Force Veteran. Of course, I slipped under his radar. Go me, 'cause that must make me even more super secret than the rest of the UCF.

God Bless The Conspiracy!

Wendy said...

Congrats to all on your new honors!

Too funny.

Besides, did they not read the disclaimer at the top of your site? The one about "we swear like the sailors we are?"

Or do they just not get the part in the constitution 'bout free speech?

Keep up the good work!!!

WendyB_09

Janiece Murphy said...

Amy, I'll see what I can do.

Vince, your new title shall be, Vince the Vulgar, Super-Secret-Stealthy Man

Wear it in good health.

Wendy, you might want to go into lurker-mode for a bit. After all, we wouldn't want you to be publicly associated with a group who is actively suppressing the TRUTH through our counter-revolutionary schemes.

Random Michelle K said...

AWESOME!

And although I have no military experience, I would like to point out that both side of my family had members in the Air Force.

Current members are Army and Navy though. So I guess that ties me back into the Navy. And my great-grandfather was in the Navy during WWII.

Damn this conspiracy goes back a long time!

Secret decoder rings coming up!

Except that I think we'll need Jim to do, like, the coding work. However, I can totally make them edible decoder rings? Chocolate everyone?

Random Michelle K said...

Also, congratulations to Nathan.

Once again I put in my request to be Court Jester. I tell you, I'm fully qualified.

But if I can't have that position, can I be court baker?

Random Michelle K said...

Also, when do I get my money?!

Also, you know what this means? It means Not-Sophie is REAL!

MUAHAHAHAHA!

Nathan said...

Holy Fuckity, Royal, Fuckin' Shit Batman!

I'm deeply honored! So much for Jim's plans to be Future Ultimate Emperor of the Universe! Get in line buster. I am the leader of the UCF and that's a much more powerful position than previously known.

For the sake of truthiness, I'd like to clear up a few things.

1. I have no military background. At heart, I'm something of a coward. In other words, my mother taught me not to jump out of perfectly good airplanes.

2. I come by my vulgarity naturally. I'm a self-taught offender.

3. I can't believe Tankersly caught on to the massively complicated algorithms necessary to decipher the true purpose and meaning of International Hijack™ Day. I thought we had a completely unbreakable code, what with that "skip to the fifth comment on the third thread on the second blog. Use every fourth letter beginning from the end. Multiply by sebenty-leven. Swing chicken around your head three times counterclockwise. Stick the beak in your left ear. If earwax is present on the beak when you remove it, sit on the home team's 40 yard line for 12 minutes. If no wax is present, have ice cream for lunch."

Dude's a fucking genius for figuring that out.

Oh, and BTW, I've been largely silent in all the threads discussing the LHC because, unlike certain other people, I realize that I'm not really qualified to tell the rest of the world what to think about it.

kimby said...

I did in fact wear combat boots for a few years....But sadly am afraid of the water, so the Navy thing? not gonna happen.
If Michelle is working on the decoder rings, I will set to making us our tin foil hats....something Commander-looking for Nathan of course!

and tote bags??? Tres Cool

neurondoc said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
neurondoc said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA! I mean, my goodness, Nathan as our leader? Tanks should've been reading things more closely, then he would've gotten it right. And as for military -- does it count if the husband was in the Navy, since I am in the Nathan-school of behavior? If not, then I must've received some sort of hypnotic training while I was sleeping...

Hee-hee, I skip off howling madly, rubbing my hands together and thinking evil mad-scientist thoughts.

The Mechanicky Gal said...

Hey, why was the comment deleted? At least disemvowell so's we can all read it and comment about the blatantly 'Tarded things that were said!
And chocolate decoder rings? MAGNIFICENT! Although they will ahve to be candy-coated so as to not melt in our busy-typing-and-coniving hands.

Janiece Murphy said...

Natalie, you and John can duke it out to determine who will be our Mad Scientist.

Because, really, no clandestine, black-ops, government-funded organization is complete without one.

Random Michelle K said...

Kim,

No No NO!

Not tin foil! Foil actually works as a thought magnifier, allowing your thoughts to be picked up by aliens and three letter government agencies!

You have to use lead to actually block your thoughts from mind control devices.

(Swear to God there was an actual study done at MIT.)

Janiece Murphy said...

Amy, that was deleted by the author, not be me.

I suspect the "publish" button got hit too soon.

Janiece Murphy said...

Michelle, I thought that study was done by Carol Elaine's JPL buddies?

(See, now we can publicly claim our three letter connections, since we've been outted and all.)

Lance Weber said...

Oh hell. I thought UCF was supposed to be a cult. Well, screw this, I wonder if the guy will pay me to be a confidential informant...

Random Michelle K said...

Nope. MIT. (http://people.csail.mit.edu/rahimi/helmet/)

Janiece Murphy said...

Thanks, Michelle.

Poor Carol Elaine. The JPL lets us down again.

But we can always blame them for creating those self-sustaining AI's currently roving around Mars...

kimby said...

Michelle, I must have put the chicken in the wrong ear when i read that memo about tin foil hats.
Damn, I knew I should have paid more attention during Nathan's lecture.

Ok, no tin foil.

Can I interest anyone in a teak hat? After doing some research in our super secret library of evil, I have noticed that they seem to be all the rage. Any ideas as to their conductiveness?

Janiece Murphy said...

Kimby said Super-Secret Library of Evil!*

Hee!

*Otherwise known as our Blogs.

Shawn Powers said...

I knew my accident was really just a Bourne Identity sort of cover up. I AM a super secret agent!

I can't wait for my sweet ninja abilities to come back. Watch out passive aggressive parents in elementary kid pickup lane, daddy's got some skillz up in there.

Janiece Murphy said...

Shawn, your skillz will return once I activate that chip in your head...

kimby said...

I figured it was safe to say the library thing out loud now....and given that we have been "found out" I felt it was time to come clean about my secret life...yes, i finally posted after a week. I was um.....busy..you know...with secret stuff and all.

Nathan said...

Well, my response is up. And I'm totally down with the tote bags idea.

Random Michelle K said...

But the tote bag thing has already been done to death by Public Radio!

Jim Wright said...

You have got to be fucking kidding me.

Oops there's that vulgarity again. Help me, I can't fucking stop.

God, I've got tears in my eyes. I know, I know, you shouldn't laugh at the mentally defective, but Goddamn, sometimes crazy people are just plain fucking hysterical.

Uniformed (Currently or Formerly) Counter-Intelligence Force? Hahahahahahahahaha! U(CF)CI? UCFCI? I can't make it fit. Help me!

Brilliant, brilliant piece of deductive reasoning on Crankersley's part. Simply brilliant. This guy is one hell of a researcher, I can't believe the Bush administration didn't just snap him right up. He'd be perfect, I'll bet he could find the Yellow Cake.

His physics though, yeah, that's spot on. Yeah.

He's widely read, his LHCdefense site I mean, high traffic, so far I've had one link through from his site - which would be Tankersley himself. But the deluge, I'm waiting for it. Any second now. any second now. Huh. Nothing. Must be a conspiracy.

He is right about one thing though, his tax dollars are funding my activities. So, you know, thanks for the dough, Tankersley, you poor sick little douchebag.

///Jim Wright, CWO, USN(ret), standing by for orders from Admiral Nathan.

Janiece Murphy said...

Jim, I'm bracing for the inevitable deluge myownself.

Stand by for heavy rolls, SSGCIGDPSSWIPWDTPC members!

Random Michelle K said...

Re the new name, I don't think SSGCIGDPSSWIPWDTPC will fit on the front of a t-shirt unless I get implants.

Jim Wright said...

Get the implants.

Jim Wright said...

(o)(o)

Janiece Murphy said...

Don't worry, Michelle - the govmunt will pay.

kimby said...

WOO WOO! I knew "my girls" would come in handy some day! I just had to wait for the right theory to come along!

The Mechanicky Gal said...

Well, Jim I didn't want to mention MY governemnt funding (yay retiremetn! yay disability! Thanks for paying taxes everyone! Hey, wait, I pay taxes too....)
but since you went there, I will add my $0.02 so that everyone will know THE TRUTH.

The Mechanicky Gal said...

Tote Bag FTW!

Anne C. said...

Damn. I'm away from the computer for a couple days reading Tom Clancy's Without Remorse (thank you, Smart Man!) only to find the UCF has been decloaked! Thankfully, I was not mentioned by name. I think my ops will remain greenlit for the time being.

So who squawked? We've got a leak right? It was that new guy Mr. Canary, right? No? JTankers figured it out all on his own? No way! He must be a genius! To figure out that International Hijack Day (tm) was actually a counter-intelligence [OK, there WAS something counter to intelligence going on] operation and Fooey-U was a smokescreen to hide the identity of our true leader, Nathan. Wow. He's right up there at Wagnerian levels of genius.

Well, I guess the secret's out now.

Sigh.

Jeri said...

I, too, missed it all while I was offline at my mom's. Hmm... decoder rings.

I'm super tired of being a project manager, can I be an analyst in our top secret quasi=governmental organization?

And to think I washed out of Army ROTC during my junior year when I blew out my knee skiing.

This is a fun ride!

Janiece Murphy said...

Jeri, you can be an analyst. But you need a Sooper-Sekrit code name, too.

Steve Buchheit said...

Aw damnit, now I've got Secret Agent Man going through my head. Again.

And heck, I'll need implants for that t-shirt. Mmm, implants.

Janiece Murphy said...

Don't worry, Steve - we have govmunt funding!

Jeri said...

I picked my code name, it's on Nathan's blog. And I picked one for Eric, too, if the overlords will allow it. ;)

And Wendy, don't think you're getting off that easy, you can be deputized as an auxiliary member - we may need help cleaning up after those pesky feral black holes.

Wendy said...

Thank you Jeri - I will accept the deputization as auxilary member if called upon, and proudly stand with this fine group of right-thinking people.

We'll have to work on getting super-strong materials for the tote bags though. We can use them for the feral black hole clean-up.

WendyB_09

Dr. Phil (Physics) said...

So here I am, trying to catch up on all this stuff, and reading along and I discover that:

"I think this group’s focus is counter productive and a waist of tax payer money"

A waist of tax payer money? What, did the Fat Lady sing or something?

I'm holding out for decoder bracelets, and I'm not even officially in the group. (That's how double-super-secret I am.)

Dr. Phil

Janiece Murphy said...

Dr. Phil, it would tickle me no end if you would consent to be the UCF's Sooper-Sekrit Physicist-at-Large.

We'll even provide a Tote-Bag or a T-Shirt!

mattw said...

Holy Guacamole! I'm away from the internets for a few days and this is what happens. Hilarious!

Dr. Phil (Physics) said...

Well, at 427 lbs., I could be your Large-Physicist... Or just make me the Sooper-Sekrit-Physicist-at-Large and DON'T TELL ME ABOUT IT. After all, what would be more secret? (grin)

BTW, I was thinking about decoder bracelets because I was thinking, now that the UCF is outed, that like the German Enigma machines, you guys might need to add additional wheels to your decoder rings. A bracelet gives you more room. Or else we can get Jim to make some beautiful wood cryptex, a la the Da Vinci Code.

Too amusing.

Dr. Phil