What the Hell are my Neighbors Thinking?

Thursday, March 6, 2008
My Smart Man and my Smart Boy both get up pretty early on a normal day. They both have to commute to work and school, and they both start early.

I do not. Since my morning routine consists of me putting on my work-out clothes, feeding the dog, and going to the basement to my desk, I get up about 15 minutes before I boot up my laptop and get to work. The result is that I end up sleeping about 1 1/2 hours more in the morning than my men.

I usually don't have any trouble getting back to sleep after my Smart Man gets up. He's very quiet, and I'm used to it.

Today, however, right after he got up, our neighbor's dog started barking. And barking, And barking.

At 5:30 a.m.

As you can imagine, this did not please me. I laid there, my teeth clenching harder and harder, as this dog barked and barked. Just as I was starting to fantasize about ringing the dog's house's doorbell incessantly at 2:00 a.m. one night, the dog stopped.

What the hell are my neighbors thinking? How can anyone possibly think that allowing their dog to bark incessantly at 5:30 in the morning in a housing development is just a really fabulous idea? If that's what you want, shouldn't you be living in the west end of nowhere, where your nasty neighborly habits won't bother anyone else?

I guess I shouldn't be surprised. In the years that we've lived here, more and more renters have moved in, and it seems like those who rent aren't very good neighbors compared to those who own their homes. No skin in the game, I suspect.

Boogie the Giant Schnauzer likes the sound of his own voice, too, which is why he's not allowed free access to the yard. We let him in and out every time, so that if he starts barking his fool head off, we can bring him in.

I think instead of ringing the barking dog's doorbell incessantly at 2:00 a.m., I should try and convince my Smart Man to play his electric guitar outside their house, with the amplifier pointed directly towards their bedroom window. See how they'd like a little Sunshine of Your Love at 2:00 a.m..

28 comments:

John the Scientist said...

That is why God invented surgical tubing catapults and rotten eggs. Especially if there are open windows in the target.

I prefer to let my eggs sit in the cat's box for a week to get that extra bit of ..uh... twang from the uric acid.

Just sayin'.

Janiece Murphy said...

That sounds like fun. But I'm more of poetic justice kind of gal - if my issue with you is noise, then I'm more prone to retaliate with noise.

But I'll keep your suggestion in mind for this summer, when our trailor-trash next-door-neighbor renters allow their trash to blow all over our lawn, oh, yes.

*Shakes fist*

Get off my lawn!

Tom said...

Hehe. Maybe a spotlight pointed at their bedroom window, triggered by the barking...

Of course, you can turn if off before Boogie goes out.

Cindi in CO said...

Your correct in saying that, for the most part, renters are not the best neighbors to have. We have a rental to the North of us, and one to the West. They're both owned by the same guy, and he keeps his rents fairly high, which helps some.

But before him, the rents were low, and the tenants were sketchy. Not to mention the lack of lawn care, trash removal, etc. Not that I'm all that picky, but once I start worrying about my HEALTH... well, you know.

Michelle K said...

We lived in a mixed neighborhood, some home owners, some student rentals. The city is pretty hard on trash, so for the most part we only get the trash on our lawn that comes from living on a main drag.

But we have an air purifier and small oscillating fan that we run at night. That solves the ambient noise problems.

(We can't really complain--that's how we got our house so cheap)

Janiece Murphy said...

Yeah, trash removal.

Our house is on a hill, which means we get a walk-out basement (score!). However, it also means that we get unobstructed views into our neighbor's yards. The trailor-trash next-door-neighbor renters had an entire room's worth of furniture "stored" between their house and the fence. All winter. In Colorado. Uncovered. Including a T.V., a mattress, and a couch.

Needless to say, I'm pretty sure the items were unusable by the end of winter.

Dumb-asses.

Jeri said...

I'm sorry, I won't let Panda the Pekingese out so early anymore. :P

Our stoopid dogs usually wake up at 4:30 or 5 - they sleep in the bedroom with us - and let us know in no uncertain terms it's time to go outside.

They don't get the unsupervised run of the house, so we have to take them downstairs - but then after they've relieved themselves we bring them back upstairs.

I guess if I had a bladder the size of a grape I'd be pretty insistent about my potty breaks.

And as a tangent - I hear you on the morning schedule! I sleep in too, but give myself a half hour, so that I can take a quick shower and make tea and toast.

Nathan said...

Janiece,

Toss a slice of bread with peanut butter slathered all over it to the dog. That'll shut him up for quite a while.

I've used this trick a number of times while filming at houses next door to "barking dog in the yard" houses.

Janiece Murphy said...

Nathan, that would require that I get out of bed. And we all know that's not going to happen.

John the Scientist said...

Hence the catapult!

Janiece Murphy said...

Eureka!

Catapulted Peanut Butter Bread!

MWT said...

Or just get one of the smart guys to do it on their way out. ;)

Tania said...

I suggest something automated that annoys the stupid neighbors, obviously sound doesn't. We don't want to hurt the dog, it's just being a doggie. Hmm. I keep thinking of something stinky or electrical service interruption.

Michelle K said...

Perhaps we can arrange to have my jackass neighbor with the blue truck to go visit your neighbors?

They sound like they're made for each other.

Janiece Murphy said...

No, I would never hurt the doggie. 'Cause that's just evil.

Michelle K said...

Or how about opera at 2AM?

Wagner's Ring Cycle maybe?

Or better yet, hook up a motion detector to a hidden speaker, and have it play the Barney song every time they walk outside their house. Unless there's something more annoying than the Barney song.

Janiece Murphy said...

Michelle, I can't think of anything more annoying than the Barney song.

Really.

Jim Wright said...

Kill them.

They're renters, I mean how attached to them could you be anyway.

It's 5:30AM, you're awake anyway. Screw the peanut butter. Get the shotgun, load it with a mixed combat load (00 buck, slug, 00 buck slug, and so on), put on your bathrobe (or not), the first round blows out their deadbolt (the front door opens easier that way), shoot the first person you see, drag their body outside and nail it to the front door as a warning to the rest of them.

Problem solved.


What?

Tania said...

Barney song? Inspired!

Of course we'd not hurt the dog, I was just thinking out loud (on the screen) about what our options are.

Jim's solution has appeal, but I don't know if our justice system is advanced enough to appreciate this swift brand of justice.

Janiece Murphy said...

Jim, will you break me out of prison if I follow your plan?

'Cause if you were a real friend, you would.

Jeri said...

And really, the bathrobe is optional. Who cares what they think of your PJs (or lack thereof) when they're gonna be dead before they really notice?

In that scenario, though, I'd recommend some sort of silenced weapon so the REST of the neighborhood isn't awakened by the gunshots to see you in all of your 5:30am glory.

John the Scientist said...

Drag their asses to Russian and tell the mafia they're spammers. Since the mafia launder money through the ISPs they own (long story), they don't take too kindly to spammers over there.

Michelle K said...

Wow.

I feel rather wimpy, having come up with a solution that didn't involve violence and mayhem.

I still think my idea is the best, though, because it will cause the most suffering for the longest time.

I mean, you shoot 'em, they're dead. They can't suffer anymore. While Barney will stick in their heads throughout the day, and just when they've gotten rid of the Barney earworm, they come home and it starts all over again.

(end pimping my own plan)

Nathan said...

I have only one word.

Birdseye!

Cindi in CO said...

Wow.

Remind me not to piss you guys off.

Janiece Murphy said...

Actually, I'm much more likely to bitch and cry about it here, and then wait for them to move.

Sigh.

Steve Buchheit said...

"Don't make me figure out the harmonic resonance of your house. I have a knowledge of physics, and I'm not afraid to use it."

Janiece Murphy said...

Steve, now that sounds like a plan.

Hee!