Water-Boarding at Family Functions

Thursday, July 17, 2008
Don't you love family functions where every member of the family is invited, whether you want them there or not?

I swear, sometimes talking to relatives is the equivalent of being water-boarded by your family. You wonder how some of these people manage to function, let alone breed and live on their own.

I was IMing with my Hot Sister today, and I gave her my own advice on how to handle those inevitable conversations. I've found, "Would you excuse me, please?" to be especially effective. No one can fault your manners, and what are they going to say? "No, stay here so I can stand on your last nerve some more?"

Or you could try, "Would you excuse me, please? I have to go take out my own eye with fork, because I'd rather do that than listen to you speak for ONE MORE SECOND."

What strategies do you suggest?

9 comments:

Shawn Powers said...

1) Start licking your arm, look up in surprise, and say, "Twice before the cackles burn!" Stare at them in the eye as you slowly back away.

2) Get drunk, or fake getting drunk. You can get away with social mistakes, and you'll give the family gossips something to talk about.

3) Fart. If it's loud, pretend you didn't hear anything. If it's silent and deadly, look at them as if you think they're responsible. Then use the "will you excuse me" line, it will ensure they don't find you again to continue the story.

4) Stare at their forehead. Squint occasionally. Insist there's nothing wrong.

5) Talk about Linux. That always clears 'em away for me. :D

If you need more ideas, I'd love to think of more. lol!

Cindi in CO said...

Janiece assured me that I cannot say, "Excuse me please you bitch."

Damn.

Shawn Powers said...

Belay that order.

Cindi -- you can feel free to say that to the dog. Talking to the dog is another way to keep people away. :D

Cindi in CO said...

Shawn, you make me laugh.

Hahahahahaha!

Random Michelle K said...

Better yet, be the person that other people try to escape.

Random Michelle K said...

I'm thinking of the Next Generation episode where Data decide to learn "small talk."

Doesn't the annoying guy die in that episode?

Tania said...

I use the "Oh, I think Aunt XXXX needs a hand with _____________" and leave.

You have my sincere sympathies.

Shawn Powers said...

Wow, Tania has relatives in XXXX. (Not XXX mind you, but quadruple!)

Are these reunions in public places? Or just... wait for it... "private places"

:D

Tania said...

Shawn, many of my relatives wouldn't be smart enough to get paid for a public performance. They'd just go for it.

No, actually, really, they would. Then again, as Jim reminds me...in every place I've worked... I guess the apple didn't fall far from the tree.