Headlines of Our Lives - Who Wins?

Thursday, August 21, 2008
I can't decide. Clearly I need help - help from you!

Here are the entries:

Here's Nathan:

Parker Woman Sought in Connection With Attacks on University of Denver Students

A retired Navy Chief, is being sought for questioning regarding a series of attacks on University of Denver Students. The common thread linking the students is that they all seem to have turned in subpar work in spite of numerous opportunities to bring their grades up.

Witnesses have not been able to provide police sketch artists with an accurate description, but all agreed that in each case, immediately before the violence began, the suspect was heard screaming, "TONG, MOTHERFUCKER! TONG"

Here's Anne:

Vigilante Karma Threatens Phelps

Former naval officer, Janiece Murphy, was arrested for alleged harassment of Rev. Fred Phelps, the controversial minister of Westboro Baptist Church. She was taken into custody outside a Canadian cemetery, dressed in a white toga-like robe, calling herself “Karma.” Police were summoned to the scene by an emergency call placed by Phelps via cell phone. When initially approached by police, Murphy claimed to be a peaceful protester, but when Phelps emerged from the van in which he had taken refuge, Murphy pulled a Taser from her robe and began shouting “Karma’s coming to fry your ass, you fucking fucktard!” Police restrained her from attacking Phelps, who reportedly retreated into the van and refused to emerge for a week.

Defense council plans to plead not guilty by temporary insanity due to provocation.

Here's Jeri:

Currently training her seventh pool boy, Janiece hold several patents for innovative telecommunications system designs that warp time and space, making wait times more bearable for contact center customers across the galaxy. She has recently been assigned police coverage to protect against a credible organized crime threat on her life contracted by college students jealous of her magna cum laude grade point average.

Here's Matt:

Saber-Toothed Cow Farmer Leads Nation in Production of Delicious, Dangerous Animals

Cattle rancher and geneticist Janiece Murphy has gone on record as saying the cattle industry is suffering under the weight of the mundane, which she aims to correct. After years of experimentation and genetic modification, Murphy has done it with the creation of a new species, the saber-toothed cow.

"It was simple really," Murphy stated in a press release. "Using some proprietary technology and a sample of saber-tooth cat DNA, I have created an animal that is delicious and will pull the cattle industry out of its rut."

The enhanced bovine features large fangs and powerful jaws, as well as the grace of movement seen in large, preditory cats. The dangers of farming these new animals will enliven cattle farming, which has lost its excitment as the West was tamed.

Reactions from cattle farmers everywhere are mixed.

"I don't know why we need dangerous cows," said Joe Joerton, a dairy farmer from Normal, IL. "I don't need to risk my neck for a pail of milk."

"This new saber-toothed cow is incredible," said Edward Dingle, a cattle rancher from Bend, OR. "I was getting tired of the cattle game, but this new cow gives me reason to get up in the morning."

In light of her successes with what the media has dubbed the 'Mad Cow,' Murphy has hinted at further animal upgrades.

"Since the saber-toothed cow worked out so well, I've been seriously thinking of revisiting my sheepasaurus rex idea from a few years ago," Murphy said.

You can find Lance's entry here.

You can find Michelle's entry here.

Vince's entry:

Colorado Psychic Healer Predicts New Spinal Cord for Follower

"You are getting a new spinal cord tonight!" yelled Colorado psychic healer and tent-revival preacher Janiece "Hot Legs" Murphy to a hunchback last evening during a crusade and anti-homeowner's association rally in Denver, CO.

Healings are "popping like popcorn," she screamed to an adoring crowed, "so get your hot butter ready!" Murphy often holds healing sessions at her home, where the line of people waiting to be healed often extends down the hall and stairs, through the living room, out the door and across the lawn, greatly annoying her homeowner's association.

Murphy, who also claims that her Giant Schnauzer "Boogie" channels a 27,000 year-old alien transsexual goddess called "Mugwump", has been known to use unorthodox measures to ensure proper healing. She was seen at the revival/rally kneeing a "cancer patient" in the stomach and commanding the cancer to leave "by the authority invested in me by God and the United States Navy." Later Murphy was seen banging a crippled woman's leg with a meat tenderizer while singing "Love Me Tender" to it.

May the best author WIN!

7 comments:

Cindi in CO said...

TONG, MOTHERFUCKER, TONG!!

Nathan said...

Yay Cindi!

I totally voted for me.

Jeri said...

I did not vote for myself. I didn't hit my stride on these until my later ones. Matt - your sabertooth cows rocked. :)

Matt Warnock said...

Thanks Jeri! Still not sure who my vote will go to. So many good choices.

Matt Warnock said...

Well, I voted, but I couldn't vote for myself.

Lance Weber said...

Hmm, I suppose if there were 42000 votes for me in the next hour you might be a tad suspicious. I think something under 10k should be reasonable, I just need to tweak this script a bit...

MWT said...

I can't decide either. :( Though I've narrowed it down to two, I think...