Headlines of Our Lives - Janiece Edition

Monday, August 18, 2008
Recently Eric wrote an entry about that wacky woman who tried to clone her pit bull. It seems that there was much, much more to her story than just too much money and not enough sense - her headline actually reads, Puppy-Cloning International Sex Fugitive With Three-Legged Horse Wanted In Tennessee.

In the comments section, Jeri and I decided that our lives were really, really boring, and the headlines associated with our activities would probably be a snooze-fest.

But wait! Who says the headlines have to be true? No one, that's who!

So here's the deal. Make up a headline about my life, and post it in the comments. There should be some basis in reality, but not much. Here's Nathan's effort as an example:

Parker Woman Sought in Connection With Attacks on University of Denver Students

A retired Navy Chief, is being sought for questioning regarding a series of attacks on University of Denver Students. The common thread linking the students is that they all seem to have turned in subpar work in spite of numerous opportunities to bring their grades up.

Witnesses have not been able to provide police sketch artists with an accurate description, but all agreed that in each case, immediately before the violence began, the suspect was heard screaming, "TONG, MOTHERFUCKER! TONG"

Lovely. And funny! Go to it, my dancing monkeys. A prize will be awarded to the best entry!

Other members of the UCF are also playing, so visit their blogs and make up shit about them, too!

26 comments:

Nathan said...

Prizes? Who said anything about Prizes? Is that one prize per blog? One for the whole kit and kaboodle? Who are the judges?

If I have to award a prize can I wait three months to mail it?

Do you have any Advil? Head hurts.

Janiece Murphy said...

Nathan, I sort of threw the prize thing in there myself, so I'll say the prize is for entries on my blog, to be given by me. I'll be judging, based on creativity, use of historical content, and how likely it is that I would actually have that headline written about me.

And here's your Advil.

Anne C. said...

Wow, Nathan, that was awesome. (Though you stole my idea, dammit.)
Oooh, I've got another one though...

Anne C. said...

Vigilante Karma Threatens Phelps

Former naval officer, Janiece Murphy, was arrested for alleged harassment of Rev. Fred Phelps, the controversial minister of Westboro Baptist Church. She was taken into custody outside a Canadian cemetery, dressed in a white toga-like robe, calling herself “Karma.” Police were summoned to the scene by an emergency call placed by Phelps via cell phone. When initially approached by police, Murphy claimed to be a peaceful protester, but when Phelps emerged from the van in which he had taken refuge, Murphy pulled a Taser from her robe and began shouting “Karma’s coming to fry your ass, you fucking fucktard!” Police restrained her from attacking Phelps, who reportedly retreated into the van and refused to emerge for a week.

Defense council plans to plead not guilty by temporary insanity due to provocation.

John the Scientist said...

Ooooh, Anne, you just called Janiece an orifice, er... Officer. Bad, bad blogger. Janiece worked for a living...

:p

Janiece Murphy said...

John, Anne gets a pass because she's hotter than Evil Willow.

John the Scientist said...

Heh. And she's playing member of the press, who don't even know the difference between Sailors, Soldiers, and Marines, let alone enlisted vs. commissioned ranks. Yeah, she meant to do that.

I'm getting to be as bad as Michelle.

;-)

Jim Wright said...

I have to take the kid to school (!!!!) but I will be back.

Jim Wright said...

Janiece worked for a living...

Oh, please. She was a Senior Chief, mostly they just hang out int he mess watching Sex in City reruns, drinking coffee, and eating donuts. I suppose you could call that work, some of those donuts were a little stale... :)

Janiece Murphy said...

As opposed to the Warrant Officers, who were toiling away?

Bitch, please.

And I never watched Sex in the City.

Jeri said...

Currently training her seventh pool boy, Janiece hold several patents for innovative telecommunications system designs that warp time and space, making wait times more bearable for contact center customers across the galaxy. She has recently been assigned police coverage to protect against a credible organized crime threat on her life contracted by college students jealous of her magna cum laude grade point average.

Janiece Murphy said...

Pool Boy! Oh, Pooooolll Boooyy!

Cindi in CO said...

"TONG, MOTHERFUCKER! TONG,"

This made me laugh way harder than it probably should have.

Janiece Murphy said...

Cindi, me too. Hee!

Matt Warnock said...

Saber-Toothed Cow Farmer Leads Nation in Production of Delicious, Dangerous Animals

Cattle rancher and geneticist Janiece Murphy has gone on record as saying the cattle industry is suffering under the weight of the mundane, which she aims to correct. After years of experimentation and genetic modification, Murphy has done it with the creation of a new species, the saber-toothed cow.

"It was simple really," Murphy stated in a press release. "Using some proprietary technology and a sample of saber-tooth cat DNA, I have created an animal that is delicious and will pull the cattle industry out of its rut."

The enhanced bovine features large fangs and powerful jaws, as well as the grace of movement seen in large, preditory cats. The dangers of farming these new animals will enliven cattle farming, which has lost its excitment as the West was tamed.

Reactions from cattle farmers everywhere are mixed.

"I don't know why we need dangerous cows," said Joe Joerton, a dairy farmer from Normal, IL. "I don't need to risk my neck for a pail of milk."

"This new saber-toothed cow is incredible," said Edward Dingle, a cattle rancher from Bend, OR. "I was getting tired of the cattle game, but this new cow gives me reason to get up in the morning."

In light of her successes with what the media has dubbed the 'Mad Cow,' Murphy has hinted at further animal upgrades.

"Since the saber-toothed cow worked out so well, I've been seriously thinking of revisiting my sheepasaurus rex idea from a few years ago," Murphy said.

Lance Weber said...

I posted my entry over on my blog, since it includes more than one of you :)

Terrorist Group Kidnaps...

Random Michelle K said...

My headlines (most anyway) are up on my site.

I tied them all together, so they kinda need to be read in some semblance of order.

Enjoy!

Anne C. said...

Heh. And she's playing member of the press, who don't even know the difference between Sailors, Soldiers, and Marines, let alone enlisted vs. commissioned ranks. Yeah, she meant to do that.

Actually, I knew I wasn't postive Janiece was an officer. (And is an NCO an officer? That is what the "O" stands for, but some of them would rather not be lumped in with "management.") Too many questions, too early in the morning, so I said "fuck it" I'll blame any mistakes on the fact that I'm pretending to be a journalist.

So yes, I did kind of mean to do that. ;P

Nathan said...

Saber-Toothed Cow Farmer Leads Nation in Production of Delicious, Dangerous Animals

I read this five times before I figured out it was Nation, not Nathan. It was a real WTF moment for me.

mom in northern said...

Re: the saber toothed tiger
Friends I am here to tell you that
Truth is stranger than fiction every time.

I draw your attention to the Longmont
Times-Call dated Aug 18th of this year.

"COW CHASES BEAR OFF PROPERTY"

Reads the headline…
It happened in the little town of Hygiene
(and no smart remarks about the name, it
is legit) The cows name by the way
is “Apple”. The article comes with
a picture of the fleeing bear…

Matt Warnock said...

Nathan,

I think if it was Nathan and not Nation it might be more in line with the kind of craziness that populates the UCF.

Janiece Murphy said...

Matt, I have no idea what you're talking about.

Lalalala!

vince said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
vince said...

Fixed mistakes!

Colorado Psychic Healer Predicts New Spinal Cord for Follower

"You are getting a new spinal cord tonight!" yelled Colorado psychic healer and tent-revival preacher Janiece "Hot Legs" Murphy to a hunchback last evening during a crusade and anti-homeowner's association rally in Denver, CO.

Healings are "popping like popcorn," she screamed to an adoring crowed, "so get your hot butter ready!" Murphy often holds healing sessions at her home, where the line of people waiting to be healed often extends down the hall and stairs, through the living room, out the door and across the lawn, greatly annoying her homeowner's association.

Murphy, who also claims that her Giant Schnauzer "Boogie" channels a 27,000 year-old alien transsexual goddess called "Mugwump", has been known to use unorthodox measures to ensure proper healing. She was seen at the revival/rally kneeing a "cancer patient" in the stomach and commanding the cancer to leave "by the authority invested in me by God and the United States Navy." Later Murphy was seen banging a crippled woman's leg with a meat tenderizer while singing "Love Me Tender" to it.

Jeri said...

Oh, Vince. That was *dangerously* funny. :D

Janiece Murphy said...

Vince, you make me laugh. Hee!